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When I started dating Philip as well, she was excited, and invited us all, as well as Alex, to spend time together a lot. It was fun to hang out with both of them and hear stories about someone I was into from someone else who cared about them.
When Eva started dating Alex, I was excited to be able to do the same thing with her.
When Eva and I started drifting apart, I thought it was mutual.
She and I didn’t really connect on the same level as we did with some of our other partners, and we both had a lot going on.
Disambiguating Roles: Abusive Partners, Abusive Metamours, and Partners as Abusers’ Allies | Abusive Behaviors | Drawing the Line on Abuse | Spotting an Abuser Seeking Victim-Status | Personality Disorders This is a work of creative nonfiction.
I have tried to recreate events, locales and conversations from my memories of them at best as I am able, but I recognize that memory is an imperfect thing, and this is a particularly complicated series of events to remember.
She has a lot of issues from past relationships that went bad, and it’s hard for her not to think of people as threatening. I’m a much more stable person than Alex, and much older, so I have the upper hand in a lot of our conversations, and sometimes I haven’t been careful enough about using it and hurt her. Originally I was excited that Alex seemed to like Philip more than my other partners — the three of us have a lot in common — but as we’ve gotten to know Philip, something changed.
Sometimes I think I’m careless about how nonchalant I am when I talk about my interest in other people. Alex says Philip looks at the world through a lens of possession, and that he wants me all for himself.
I guess I feel different — Philip and I are getting pretty close, closer than I am to anyone else I date — but I’ve never felt like Philip is trying to pull me away, and I don’t feel any differently about Alex.I also didn’t know that she thought I was the reason Alex broke up with her. It’s not like I can blame her for being hurt and confused by all of it.These days, it seems like Eva is always angry with me.The subtle, shifting dynamics and complex problems of multiple partners can be part of the thrill of nonmonogamy, but it can also lead us to overlook the particularly challenging and painful presence of abusive behavior.When I first met Alex, I knew I had found my soulmate.